#35. A Number Higher Than The Current Temperature.

It's 30 degrees outside right now. Not okay. I'm wearing socks, for cryin' out loud. T'ain't right!

I have two jobs, neither of which is working for the Family unless you count in babysitting every Saturday night. Hmm...maybe I have 4 jobs then.

Job #1: Good to Go Café, Barista. Hours are from an unearthly 6:30am until sometime between 11am and 1pm.

Job #2: Barrie School, Extended Day Aide. Hours are from 2:30ish until all the kids are gone, which is supposed to be no later than 6pm. Supposed to be.

Job #3: The Family, Babysitter. Hours are from 6ish until 9ishpm on Saturdays.

Job #4: Dean and Matthew (friends from the church none of us attended anymore), Babysitter. Hours are from 7:30pm until 9:30ishpm on a weekday, normally Wednesdays.

Nope, I won't be exhausted in the least...  ...  ...

But the good news is that all those things will allow me to stay in my current apartment and start paying my mom back for my whole life. The bad news is that I'll want to crash as soon as I get home, especially since three-fourths of my jobs mean dealing with people for the entire time. Job #4 usually really means sitting on their couch crocheting while Baby sleeps, but sometimes he wakes up and that's okay too.

[Geez, I wish it were warmer here!]

I'll be going home for Thanksgiving on Wednesday afternoon and staying until Saturday night. I'd normally stay until Sunday, but Jim has to work Friday/Saturday so he can't come along with me. I'm hoping to see him when I get back. And I'm hoping he'll have a new job when I get back.

At the Renaissance Faire. Yes, he's wearing a kilt.

I've been amazed at how God works in this relationship. Every time I express to Him any concern about it, Jim says something to sway my fears without directly knowing I was worried about anything. Most often it's faith-oriented. I'm a lot more outspoken about my beliefs than he is. Obviously being evangelical has affected me more than I accounted for. I'm so used to understanding openness as sincerity that I sometimes doubted how important his faith really was to him, even though he said it was important. I talked with Father about it, and within a week Jim and I had an unplanned conversation, which he started, about how finding community might be best done through a Bible study instead of a Church-church. Insane. I was probably smiling more than made sense during that talk. What a comfort!

I tried running last weekend because it was relatively nice outside. "Uh-uh," said my legs, "We don't like that!" It had been a bit more than a month.

I have my second cold of the season, after not having a cold for the past nearly-three years. Guess my time had come.

I'm crocheting things as gifts and now I'm having the crafter's nightmare of wanting to keep all the things because I like them so much.

I miss y'all terribly. I sincerely do. I wish it were more realistic to see your faces on a regular basis and know what your lives look and feel like right now.

I like walking Lily, big as she is, around my neighborhood and going past men walking dachshunds and yorkies and the like. It's somehow satisfying when I'm barely able to hold her back from chasing down a baby rabbit that ran under the shrubbery. ("We want...a shrubbery!")

But I don't like walking her when it's cold. Part of every floor of our building should be a playroom for dogs.

If there's anything else to report I've forgotten it...

I hope to see any/all of you soon!

#34. Seasonal.

Fall is enjoyable in its own right. Frustrating if you're as low maintenance as I am, but enjoyable.

The crispy air and the crunchy leaves. The smells. The cheaper butternut squash and pumpkin. Not feeling like you've just gone swimming once you step outside.

Fall means thinking in terms of layers. Like I said, I'm low maintenance and having to think about the hot-warm-chilly-cold transitions of Fall days is a bother because I have loads of t-shirts, and only one is long-sleeved. And I always end up pushing the cuffs up to my elbows anyway.

Fall means thinking in terms of layers. Hours are layered onto new/old phases of the sun. This year is layered onto plans for next year. Enjoying the enjoyable bits about Fall is layered onto the ever-encroaching dread of the dreaded Winter.

Darkness and death. Cold and shriveled. Bundled up and contained.

Pop quiz: Which is my least favorite season?

I've already started taking my yearly regimen of "oh no, the sun's gone!" Vitamin D. It helps.

Summer went waaaay too quick, as it always does. My first Maryland summer came and went without a sense of freedom that I'm accustomed to feeling alongside those swampy days. I had fun, but I'm not often in silly situations here. No opportunity to be loud and obnoxious and laugh uproariously in public in large groups. Very few card games. Very few stars.

I did not intend this to be another moody, melancholy post. My apologies. Such is the season.

I was at home this past weekend. My mom had surgery on Friday. I arrived in Elliston at midnight Thursday, we left at 3am to go to UVa, and we left on Saturday somewhere around 11am. We both slept a lot in the past couple of days for our different reasons. She was recovering, I was decompressing.

I got mad about the Mom calling me during the weekend to inform me I needed to make an appointment for her daughter to get her hand brace fitted. Don't care, I'm at home. Set up the freakin' time yourself.

I had a job interview this morning with the Barrie School. I loved it there. Reminds me a little of LUL, even in the ways that the staff interact with one another. Horses, kayaks, garden, dirt and grass and trees. They loved me too and will be calling in a couple days with details about what they might could offer me as far as hours and wages.

Another interview in the morning, on the phone this time, with Springboard Education. I applied to several jobs with them so I don't even know which position I'm being interviewed for! Unless they are simply magnificent, I'll still prefer the other opportunity.

I've been a bum this month. No running. No nothing. I make excuses for my laziness all the time. It took me a while to figure out that my SAD had kicked in a touch early this year.

But I did finish two books this weekend! Reading! Yay! Except...I've been failing at book club. Is it okay for me to say that I just didn't want to? Because I just didn't want to. Maybe because depression, maybe because no-want. I'm a jerkface. What's done is done.

I'll be going to the Renaissance Faire this coming Sunday, for the second time. This time around I'll be sure to eat something before I get anything to drink. Bad, bad idea to have alcohol on an empty stomach. Y'all, all of you, should come along. 'Tis fun. And you can see/meet Jim if you haven't already.

I still like him bunches. I think I'll keep him.

#33. Endorphins are my friends.

Before I ran five miles today all I wanted was to disappear. Maybe sleep forever. 

I felt (and still do feel) stuck in my job. Stuck in Maryland. Trapped under the thumb of money and capitalism and too-many-people-vying-for-the-same-things-as-me.

Feeling stuck often leaves me feeling apathetic. Screw it all and everyone along with it, I say. So I guess it's less apathetic and more bitter at first. But then I decide that sleeping forever or fading into a nonthing would be better than applying to underpaying, undesired jobs anyway.

It's easier to not care, to not feel. Feeling hurts a lot and a lot of the time, it seems.

But then I went running. On my return trip, I started feeling more awake. Yes, I can apply to those jobs even if they're only better in that they're different than my now, I say. Yes, I will apply to Johns Hopkins even though I probably can't afford it if I do get accepted, I say. 

Sometimes chemicals are nice.

I haven't written here in so long because I couldn't stand the thought of being pissy about my life in front of y'all. I only want to get moving, to start doing what I am made to do, being who I am made to be. 

I know. "Bloom where you are planted." Good grief though. There are so many weeds right now, and not the pretty kind. 

I'm still feeling the itch to escape. To run into the waiting arms of the genial South, whose negatives I know like my own but whose positives I want as my own. 

I need space. Unadulterated bigness. I need to be able to choose whether or not to see humans and luxury cars today. Honestly I don't know that moving southward would provide that but it sure feels more likely than not. 

Anyway. Lily turned two! Look how tiny she was when she was tiny!

She was about 3 months old here.

#32. Bottomless Pit.

I forgot about this. The cravings. The felt need/want to eat more and to eat sugar and carbohydrates.

I've picked up running again. Somehow or other I think I've lost my tennis shoes (maybe I left them in the back offices of Look Up? They are Nike, grey and orange if anyone notices...) and it's been the biggest blessing for my athletic activity. Except playing tennis. That's more difficult. Chacos ain't made for that.

A couple Saturdays ago, I had been sitting around reading, dog-park-going, and sitting all day and noticed that because it was rested my hamstring wasn't the least bit sore. I says to myself, I says, "I'ma gointa run!"

No tennis shoes...Five-Fingers it is then. My gosh, what a difference! Because of the way the Unshoe is made, it reminds you to run more naturally and toward the ball of your foot rather than the heel. That being so, the act of running puts almost all of the stress on the calves and NOT the hamstring.

Glory be! This means that even on the days my hamstrings hurts from fatigue, I can run because the pressure is on a different muscle. This means that I'm not in danger of further injuring myself.

This means I'm very much in danger of eating myself out of house and home. I love to run. I love to eat. Running means I can eat more without getting more of me. Eating more means buying more food. Buying more food means buying less of something else. Most of my something-elses are also necessities, so...

If anyone has suggestions for super-filling super-cheap foods...I'm all ears, er, eyes.

#31. Animals and Vegetables.

Animals are lovely. Look how close (through a window) I got to this fawn!

And watch this video sent me by Jim. It's a corgi. Jumping in a body of water.

Bad Day Banisher!

Now about the vegetables. It's becoming more and more obvious that I am not good in the least at keeping houseplants alive. As evidenced by the three plants of the Mizrahi's that've died on my watch and by my greeting this Monday being "Whatever the opposite of a green thumb is, I'm certain you have it." Great start to my work week.

I've heard waaaay too much about minerals and ores and blech lately to talk about them. Max loves Minecraft and me, and talking about Minecraft with me. I do not care about Minecraft in the least, but I care about Max so I listen with somewhat less rapt attention than I did seven weeks ago. 

Ella got mad at me because I told her I'd have to take a rain check for an Uno game. Her dad came and asked/told me to switch out his soap in the shower and take out his office trash as I was folding laundry and had told Ella that I'd play with her as soon as I finished that one load. 

The Mom came home and was subtly pissed about the plant dying. She was cold and cordial. I've decided that they will not make me feel bad about it. I know the ins and outs of the kids personalities and they tell me things and listen to me. I don't know how much water a plant takes or why it's so picky. I also don't care. Because nature is outside and if you want a freakin' outdoor experience, go freakin' outdoors. If you want to see a plant, go walk in a forest. Bringing a plant inside doesn't make a warmer home, and if you think it does and care so much, water the damn thing yourself.

Sorry. Kinda.

I'm frustrated and most every part of me wants to make a list of the things I now refuse to do because they are basic life skills and responsibilities. I don't care how much influence or money or intellect you have, it shouldn't be anyone else's job but your own to switch out your soap or rearrange your make-up after you use it. 

This weekend, Saturday specifically, I was so antsy. I miss Mi Casa and the real and whole conversations and framily I had there. I miss the South Carolina landscape and friendscape. I miss being around a large group of people who know what it is to work hard and then relax, really relax and take Sabbath. I want friends who read and take life equal amounts of seriously and jovially. Schedules are not my prime mode of operation, and it seems most things have agendas here. Even in the bayside town of Annapolis, people are walking fast and have a purpose. What happened to wandering? More importantly, to wondering?

Speaking of, I take back my previous review of "The Prophetic Imagination." If you can suffer through the first 60 or so pages, the rest is so far much more interesting and spirit-stirring. Still poorly organized, but loads better and worth the read.

I really am okay, y'all, just in the same tough employment and social spot as usual. 

A trip southward is desired before the weather turns though.

#30. The amount of days in (some) months.

I wasn't sure where to begin, so I changed the colour of the font. That's somewhere, right?


Summer finally came! It's boiling hot and beautiful and sweaty. I know I'm probably the only one reveling in such disgusting weather. I'd rather have to drink a thousand ounces of water and pour it back out through my pores than have to wear a thousand layers and pay a thousand dollars for heat that should come naturally.

The downside is that coffee is uncomfortable. The upside is that wine is more comfortable.

The Family now knows that I'm poking around for a new job. They asked me what my Fall plans were and I couldn't lie about them. It seems they understand but they are also being kinder than normal, possibly in attempts to convince me to stay. It's unnecessary but twice appreciated. Once because it's allowed more convenient traveling for me. Twice because it's nice to feel like they now see my value in regards to my skill with the Kids. 

I spent half the day Saturday with Aviva, Ella's speech therapist whom I can now legitimately call my friend since we've seen each other on purpose outside working hours. We just walked about downtown Silver Spring where there's a farmer's/artisan's market each Saturday. I wish I made just a tad bit more money so I could buy my vegetables at a place like that. They look so much better than the supermarket's. 

But let's be real. I wish I made more than a tad bit more. I wish I made more thousands than my years of age. 

Y'all should read A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. It's heartwarming and heart-wrenching and a true story. I bawled for essentially an entire chapter. I don't do that. Ever. 


I've decided that my mode d'emploi for reading will follow the pattern of fiction-nonfiction-fiction and so on. I need a break from reality in order to contemplate reality. I guess I should qualify the term "fiction" though...Blah. I just mean it's simply a story to be consumed by instead of an idea or historical event/person. Right now I'm reading Surprised by Hope by N.T. Wright. Next I will read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. Then I WILL FINISH reading The Prophetic Imagination by Walter Brueggemann (if you already have a grounded knowledge of the true definition of prophecy and how that can be a creative/disruptive force in the world, so far I'd suggest skipping this book.) Then I will read The Coalwood Way: A Memoir  by Homer Hickam, highly recommended to me by James Hart.

Oh yeah, he's still around. A lot. Which I don't mind in the least. Indeed I'd mind if he weren't around a lot. Which flashed through my mind many times while we were driving to and inside the emergency room a week and a half ago. On our way back from visiting his hometown (read: attending a party, eating good food, watching fireworks, swimming a lot, seeing and feeling natural nature) he had an asthma attack and while he was focused on taking in and pushing out air, I was focused on making sure he didn't have a torrent of tears to fight through also. My mind knew he'd be fine because it's a routine thing hospitals handle, but my heart cried out to God to keep him alive and me from collapsing in fear. 


I'd not been so frightened in a very long time. This was an old kind of fear. It was the same brand of fear that, when cellphones first came out with all those health warnings, made me want to get my brain and heart as near to the phone as my mom's was so whatever radiation she was exposed to I would also get. I didn't want to be whole if she wasn't. I didn't want to lose her. It was nearly the same as the experience with Jim, different only in the lack of codependency shown by my health and happiness being determined by hers. I did not wish difficulty breathing on myself, but I would have taken it away from him and onto myself given the chance. I guess he's important to me or something...

Yes, he certainly is. He constantly reminds me who I really am just by expecting intelligent and silly conversation from me. I do hope he does not feel shortchanged by our interactions. 

All of the technologies are teetering on the edge of death for me. Computer overheats and smells like hotglue. Cellphone turns off randomly and often won't send or receive messages. Woo.

Anyway. I hope this makes up for my month-long absence. There's little else I could do about it.

#29. Hiatus.

Hey stranger.
It's been a while.

Here's the rundown:
I'm stressing myself out to the point of headaches on account of a few things, mainly money and loans.
The job search has slowed down mightily with the ending school year.
I'm looking into getting my master's in School Counseling.
I have an amazing group of friends, including ones that care enough to check on me when I write a really depressive post (Katie Rains) and enough to listen to my vocal explosion concerning a world of newness and fear without judgment, with simple advice (Lauren Brown).
I've felt really strange recently. Odd fatigue, headaches, feeling out-of-sync and drained.
I'm going to go ahead and assume these are signs of my need for a vacation.
How convenient. I have a week off next week because the Family is visiting Family in Canada.
I like colours. And spellings colours with a "u."

I can't seem to get through a book I've been trying to read for at least a month now. It has what should be an interesting premise, but it's really not well written for the most part. I feel like it would fare better as an essay instead of a book. The author explains simple ideas too much yet skips over complexities like he's playing hopscotch. I'm 50 pages in but only because I can't stand the thought of giving up on something that has such potential. 

I need to be surrounded by nature soon, with no pressure for achieving anything. Not hiking, not viewing. Just sitting or meandering. Maybe reading or writing. Maybe, yeah, napping. And without crowds, definitely without crowds. I also really need to jump in a lake or other natural body of water. I hate pools.

I also hate the high squeal of Lily's whine. I love her. I hate her whine. 

Jim and I went frolfing on Sunday. Frisbee golfing. I'm better-than-I-expected-to-be at it. He's pretty good! Our next distinctly athletic plan is a tennis match. It'll be the opposite scenario then.

We ate at Five Guys after our 27-hole game and split a Mint Chocolate Chip Klondike bar. We've pretty much decided to counter healthy with unhealthy/nonsensical on a usual basis.

#28. Precisely.

This was the Goodreads quote of the day a couple days ago.

"The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely." -Lorraine Hansberry

I've known for a while that I'm different, unusual. In Christianese, set apart. I am. God sees me, sees me. He's chosen me for some task, some life, some identity. I've no idea what task or what life. I've an idea of the identity. I feel different, distant from almost everyone I've ever known. Readers, you'll know if you're one of the exceptions. 

I feel alone a lot. Well, more like misunderstood and discounted. Overpriced. Undervalued. Plain out used. I've felt the unfortunate kind of grey for a long time. 

Grey is my favorite color. It complements everything, and yes, I mean complements. It can be warm or cool, the focus or the background. But people tend to make assumptions about it. Grey is not (always) morose or foreboding or practical. Grey is not (always) cold, unfeeling, uncomfortable. 

The same assumptions come with my name and demeanor for some, for about half of my acquaintances I'd think. I am a lot of things. I am not one-sided. 

I am feeling a bit gloomy and forlorn today. I feel alone in my convictions about what church is. I feel alone in my youthful discernment. I feel doubted and cheapened because of my employment and lifestyle and again, my youth. 

But I don't know what it is that makes me exceptional, not really. I have my guesses. I am insightful. I see people clearly. I know what I believe and why. I know Who I believe. My heart longs for truth and real beauty and honest goodness. Some other things probably. 

But it doesn't feel like that adds up to "exceptional."  Does it?

#27. The Oddest Thing.

I have a job interview in the morning!   !!!

It's with a Montessori school in D.C. and I'd be a teacher's assistant in their year-round program. The Montessori philosophy of learning and teaching is very close to what I want to have in a community center one day: curiosity-driven and individually-decided. Working with very tiny-ones aging somewhere around kindergarten. That's a new field for me and I'm looking forward to adding those skills to my belt o' knowledge. I was going to say "belt o' weapons" but considering recent events...better not.

Even though I just did. 

I ran my second-ever 5k on Saturday afternoon. It happened to also be my second-ever Color Run, this time in Baltimore. Who knew that city was only 50 minutes from me anyway? Crazy. I ran the whole thing and was definitely not Caucasian when it was over. I would've looked more at home on Pandora (Avatar, anyone? Anyone? Love that movie. Don't care if it's a revamp of Pocahontas because I like that one too.)

Jim and I saw "The Great Gatsby" on Saturday also. I liked it. Not enough to see it again soon, but that's fairly much attributed to it holding true to the book. Don't expect happy. Don't expect good human beings. Expect chaos and glorious colors and motions and music. Leonardo DiCaprio was perfectly attractive and grotesque in the title role. Tobey Maguire's persistent on-screen awkwardness did him a favor in his depiction of Nick Carraway. Depth of character was on the minds of the correct few people. 

We sat on a bench in the park talking until it got too chilly. Repeat on Sunday evening, after which we watched the tail end of the Survivor finale. Malcolm should've made it to the end and won everything but Cochran deserved it as well, on different merits. 

Sunday was a do-nothing day. I read almost an entire Harry Potter book. I sat. I listened to the Yo-Yo Ma station on Pandora (this time the radio website, not the planet) and relaxed. Time was irrelevant and that was beautiful. 

And Jim said "fixin' to" and that was priceless and proof that the South wins life.

The oddest thing happened to me Friday morning. I woke up. I know I was awake. God told me something insightful and clear. I started reveling in it and celebrating the communication. And then...it left. It just left. How does that happen? One second I know know KNOW and the next it was taken from me. It frustrated me all day. I eventually decided that if He wants me to remember or hear it again, He'll make that happen. I kept asking for revelation with no opening-of-doors in answer. I do hope He speaks again soon.

#26. Nothing, really.

It's been, what, three or four days since my last post?

Loads of earth-shattering occurrences have occurred. 

Not really.

Well, I did ride a ferry for the first time ever today. That counts, right? I even drove my car onto it. 

The job search is on and poppin'. I've sent out somewhere around 7 emails containing resumés and cover letters and pleas for employment. But I'd be lying to you if I said I felt hopeful about any of them in particular. 

I'm entering that phase (again) where I forget how much I love talking with kids and playing with them and having the opportunity to make wise decisions affecting them. I forget that my ideas are valid and more than that, good.

I remember camp life like it's a different reality. In some ways it was (is.) I don't think I want it back. I want the freedom, passion, and challenge of it back. I want those people geographically near me again, even though I think this time of separation is necessary. I have learned about who I am apart from the predetermined definitions of Stacy that come along with first, second, third, and fourth summers at Look Up.

I now know that I am, in truth, myself. Who I became in the context of my past is who I sincerely am. No pretext, no façade.

I do not try to hide how insecure and weak I feel most days. It just takes some insight for others to be able to see it because I don't put it on display either. [I still wrestle constantly with the thought that I am nothing special, that I am ordinary in the most plain sense, and that those who see me don't truly see me. Once they do, they'll leave and move on to other (prettier/smarter/funnier/more spontaneous/prettier) people.]

Imagine how that fear winds itself in seemingly indestructible ways throughout my relationship with Jim. It's a fight, a real fight, for me to believe him and to believe the sincerity, honesty, and integrity of his actions and words. I absolutely hate that. He doesn't deserve my selfish doubt. 

We went hiking today. It was lovely and good. 

#25. The end of a quarter.

I didn't just survive this weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment after the first.

The first moment was nervous and shaky and heart-poundy.

[In case you've forgotten, I met Jim's parents (and one set of neighbors) this weekend.]

If I described it as anything besides both needed and good I'd be cheapening the experience with flowery language. I needed a couple of days of unscheduled (semi)activity with easygoing people. Would my natural leanings have taken me southward to Lauren and Ben and Chris and Matt and Travis and Katie and Laura and Ryan and Nathan and his Laura and Jamal and Andrew Sims and hannaH and Emily and Lacey and Kevin and their Ones and everyone else to whom my heart is so intricately tied? Yes. But I was surprised at how comfortable I felt so soon after having met Mr. and Mrs. Hart. 

Jim told me later that they were trying very hard to make me feel at home. It worked.

He also told me that his parents must have talked about me coming to visit. Otherwise those same neighbors would have stayed for dinner when asked instead of going back across the road. Bonus: they overtly approved of me and have since asked when I'll be returning to that neck of the woods.

And woods they are. I never would have pictured anywhere in Maryland looking like that and seeming so similar to where I grew up and where I've lived. It doesn't feel the same though. I will never hesitate to say that you can literally feel the South. You know when you're there and you know when you've left. 

I expressed a couple of my fears to Jim, and I should have known how quickly he would speak to quell them. I needed him to know, to really know, that I am not entirely secure all the time. That I am broken but being mended. I get scared a lot. Fear tends to have the face of apathy, unrighteous anger, false hurt, or simply pretending I am uncertain about a situation. 

For instance: Apathy is ruling my school applications. I'm afraid of not getting accepted (again) or worse, getting accepted and not being able to pay for it.

I've chosen my two writing sample submissions. I need to reread them and edit them. I'm afraid they aren't up to standard. I wrote them in 2010. I think I'd write differently now, but even if I wrote something else, there's no grading system to tell me how well I've done or what improvements are needed. Drs. Volk and Jennings aren't here to alternate praise with criticism.

There's loads more I could say about the weekend. I don't want to. I will however say that if you get a chance to watch Life of Pi, do it. It's lovely.

I will also say that I can't get one of my conversations from Wedding Weekend out of my head. Chris Hunt, if you read this, you should know how deeply I respect you as my first AP, an encourager of my growth, and as a friend. Having you express trust in my judgments and decisions (in my personal life and as they pertained to the wedding) has provided a lift to my spirit recently. Thank you, sincerely.

Happy Tuesday y'all. 

#24. Conveniently, 24.

I turned 24 on Monday. It was probably the least flat-out celebrating I've done in ever. I was mostly recovering and driving and recovering and recovering.


This weekend was Wedding Weekend. Lindsey Gahan is now Lindsey Black and Andrew has a wife. They are individually lovely, fervently in love, and lovely together. They bring out the tenderness and courage in one another, or rather, they enhance it. 

Now I have some tenderness in my shoulders thanks to the knots that've formed from self-imposed stress. I don't think I took a full breath on Sunday until around 10pm, at which point I was asked what it was like to be having a drink with one of my campers. Calm down. He's now my former co-worker and primarily my close friend. 

There are spans of a couple hours that I don't even remember. Even on Saturday. We truly did hit the ground runnin'. 

Oh yes, we. Jim and I. He got put to work almost immediately. Fortunately he was a good sport about it, and his willingness to serve had the added effect of making a deep impression on everyone. Plus he's funny and clever and outgoing and quirky and smart and handsome and tall. Plus (or minus) he came attached to me. He fit in so well there, loved camp's scenery and people, and loved downtown Greenville as soon as he saw it. We decided that it was designed for relaxation and walked through Falls Park before heading an ugly amount of hours north.

He passed the Look Up test. Extravagantly. I was urged again and again to keep him. I reckon I will, if I'm lucky. 

It was brilliantly and poignantly satisfying to see each of my framily (and family) members. I love them more dearly than I can ever express. What a thing it is to know and be known. 

Leftover information:
Job interview Friday morning.
Non-specific plans to go hiking with Aviva (Ella's speech therapist) and her precious baby Maya and her friend Danica. 
Going to meet Jim's family and friends this weekend. 
I have rice, black beans, and green beans as my food supply at the moment. That's it.
I need to go grocery shopping. 
I want the Summer. Soon.
Jim now knows about this space of mind-expression. Poor guy.
I already miss y'all.

#23. Outdoor Adventures.

Maryland finally decided it was Spring, although for about a week it jumped to Summer.

That was fantastic.

But now it's back to Spring and kinda warm during the day and kinda cold during the night.
(I want the Summer back.)

This awesome weather has greatly lightened my mood and darkened my skin. My Chaco tan is already well on its way to being the best one I've yet had.

The weather has also allowed Jim and I to no longer avoid the outdoors. Wednesday I cooked for us at my apartment and then we went for a walk to see what was to be seen. It was definitely barefoot weather, for me at least. The cherry trees in my neighborhood are more lovely than those in D.C. actually. 

I spent a lot of time this week poking and prodding and hinting to the kids that we should go to the park and play. So far I'm the only one interested in this activity. That's not encouraging for when summer hits in earnest. 

Also why I need a different job. I'm thinking about looking into summer camp employment, since that'd be second nature to me. It just makes me really uneasy to realize that for the second time in my life I'd be giving up a fairly stable job for temporary employment with the uncertainty of employment at the end of the season. I'd have to be spending a large amount of my off-time looking for future jobs. 

Which is what I should be doing now. I really hate applications and resumés and emails and all things related to job searches.

Friday I didn't want to go to contra but I did anyway. God showed me I was just being pissy because I think too much and I haven't had a good cry in several months. I went and had a good time as usual. The joviality involved in that night's memory is helped by the fact that Jim kissed me as we parted ways. It was my first kiss.

Saturday I woke up when I felt like it, took Lily to the dog park for a couple hours, read The Chamber of Secrets for a while on a bench afterward with Lily leashed to the arm of it, went running on a course incredibly full of deceptively long hills, ate, was hopeful but disappointed about the possibility of seeing some Northern Lights, watched The Goblet of Fire and didn't cry like I wanted to, watched this and cried like a baby for a long time, and then went to sleep.

A good day I think.

Today, Sunday, I woke up when I wanted to, took Lily to the dog park for a little bit, then Jim and I went hiking on the Appalachian Trail. That's the Ap-puh-latch-un Trail. Jim insists that it's the Ap-puh-lay-shun Trail, but we all know that trail doesn't exist. Then we ate Chipotle which is always a good decision and came back to hang out at my apartment for a while. He and Lily are close friends now. She likes how strong he is and he likes how silly she is. 

Next weekend we'll be traveling to TR for Lindsey and Andrew's wedding and there are loads of emotions wrapped up in that trip for me. Y'all could imagine what they are. You know me.

I'm tired and sleepy. I'm sure I'll see some of you soon, so beautifully soon!

#22. Springing Spring.

This'll be short and sweet because my computer's battery (and mine, for that matter) is about to die.
It's been nearly a month since my last update. Sorry.

Jim and I are still going strong. Last week we talked thoroughly through our beliefs and we're on the same page, praise the Lord.

I really like him.

He's coming to Andrew and Lindsey's wedding with me in a couple of weeks, which is terrifying. That means spending 18 total hours of car time together, and he'll be meeting my mom and brother and my Look Up family all in one jam-packed weekend. 

Bless him.

Today I got a little sunburned. We went to the Cherry Blossom Festival in downtown D.C. and spent about 4.5 hours or so walking around in the glory of the warm sun and not-too-chilly breeze and looking at flowers and monuments and talking a lot. 

A week or two or something after the wedding weekend I'll be traveling to western Maryland with Jim to meet his parents. Gah! I don't think I'll be nervous until I see their house. Then the reality of it will set in and I might die right then.

I'm looking for a different job still, focusing on opportunities closer to my eventual career goal. At the very least I'd like something in the same vein anyway, even if I don't end up sticking with the same organization or what-have-you.

I love love love love not having to wear a jacket outside! Warmth! Hallelujah!

#21. Saints and Cereal.

In the spring and summer I always try to eat cereal for breakfast and it's never a good idea. My stomach really hates milk first thing in the morning. It's not intolerable but it's an uncomfortable amount of tightness.

It's sad because I really like cereal, particularly in the morning.

I avoid this problem in the chilly and cold months by eating oatmeal, but eating something hot first thing on a hot day isn't comfortable. But neither is paying $5 for 6 bagels.

During the course of my Wednesday evening conversation with Jim (contra guy) he said that he was a Christian. Hooray and Hallelujah! He's Catholic, so we've still got to talk about the course of salvation, the idea of saints, and the existence of purgatory, along with the general practice of faith issues before I can whole-heartedly celebrate the potential longevity of this relationship.

If he's not by-the-Catholic-book Catholic, he still has to pass the meet-my-Look-Up-family test. That might could happen in late April. Maybe.

Oh, and happy St. Patrick's day! I'm Irish! Woo! I ate corned beef and cabbage. I also had my first alcoholic beverage of 2013 (since the time changed last weekend I'm allowed to.) It was Woodchuck Hard Cider. So good, and so not seasonally appropriate. Oh well. I'll get some Bailey's after Easter, when I can have sweets again.

The kids were better this week. Well, Ella was. I played games (mostly Connect 4) with her all week. Max tries, and succeeds, to manipulate her pretty often and I can't figure out how to have Ella stand up for herself without causing a tantrum on Max's part. It's nearly useless to try teaching Max why it's bad to manipulate people. He doesn't care. He never speaks to her on her level. She's quite intelligent for her age. His tone is so condescending that it enrages me, no matter how oblivious Ella is to it.

I'm looking for another job. I decided that this week after coming in day after day to a destroyed kitchen and being asked to put new soap in the master bathroom's shower. I hate cleaning up after grown people. I hate being thought of as insignificant and unintelligent. I hate knowing that I am highly skilled with their children, that the kids enjoy playing with me, and that I'm still being paid the lowest wage in the range of salaries they were offering.

I need a job that uses all of my mind. Every time I spend a few hours with Jim I realize just how much of my higher functioning has been in a coma for the past couple of years. On Saturday we spent about 3 hours browsing around a bookstore. 3 hours. Just looking at and talking about books.

I think he'd pass the Look Up test just fine. He's really strange.

#20. New Things, Good and Bad.

It's Monday, not Sunday, and almost not-Monday-anymore.

Yesterday the time changed. Hallelujah. And the weather this weekend left nothing to be desired. Absolutely lovely. 

I've been out with the contra dance guy twice since my last post, aside from seeing/dancing with/talking to him on Fridays at contra.

He's kind and considerate and respectful and cautious and interesting and gentle and decisive and assertive and strong and adventurous and smarter than me. He's great and good and I like him. And he likes me.

This is a new thing, the good side of newness in my life. I've never had a good and decent man actually be interested enough in me to take action concerning his interest. I don't exactly know what I'm doing because I've never been in this place before, but I'm trying to listen to the Spirit (although He's been kinda quiet about it...)

Yesterday we+Lily hiked the Billy Goat trail which is about 4.5 miles round-trip. Let me tell you, it is aptly named and so fun. Then we ate some delicious Chipotle and saw Oz: The Great and Powerful. It was beautifully done and clever. We ended up getting free passes to see another movie later because they accidentally began showing the wrong film, causing our start time to be delayed about 30 minutes. Totally worth it.

I think my favorite things about him are 1) he really is smarter than I am and 2) he takes initiative, gently. The second is hard to explain unless you already know what I mean. I hope you know what I mean. 

The bad side of newness in my life is having to decide what the next step will be. I was not offered admission to George Washington either. Stupid work history. So now I have to decide:
Should I look for full-time employment right now?
Should I stay with this job even though I'd only be staying in order to keep my non-binding word to them of "until next fall"?
Should I apply to the MSOD program at American and hope to edge my way into the MBA?
Should I wait until next season to apply again, this time for Spring admission?

I really don't want to stay with the family for a lot longer. I hate the cleaning. I can deal with everything else honestly, but not the cleaning up after grown people. I have time before I have to decide everything and I have a few issues that are more pressing to consider first (Vehicle Emissions Test, getting taxes done, paying a long-overdue medical bill...) so I'm trying not to worry about it.

Happy almost Spring! Sunshine and warm hooray!

#19. The Rundown.

I have been neglecting this for some time now. 


I'm sorry. My only excuse is that I didn't want to write.


Here goes:

I've cheated 3 times on my Lent fast of sweets.

I'm still contra dancing most Friday nights. I just keep finding the money for it, literally finding $10 in a drawer or something. I think that magic has run out though.

I have contra dance friends now.

I have contra dance friends now because of a guy I danced with a few Fridays in a row, who then asked me to join him and his friends afterward at a diner.

A few days later I went out with him. We made plans for a second date either tomorrow or Tuesday. 

I'm extremely excited about the time change later this week.
And the season change later this month.
And the temperature change that will hopefully accompany it.

I had an emotional breakdown caused by frustration with my job and the lack of effective discipline and personal responsibility I see everyday. Then I was reminded that it's not my job to fix everything, only to do what I can and do it the best I can. 

I was also reminded that this is not for forever. 
And that's great and wonderful.

#18. Rapid Fire.

I'm almost able to breathe normally again. Almost.

I'm also more certain than ever that my life should be made into a sitcom, even though it might only survive on Bravo (SNL reference, anyone?). Here's a recap, in reverse order. Most recent events first.

Survivor comes back Wednesday.

Mardi Gras is tomorrow. Cooking cajun shrimp, cheese grits, and banana pudding. Watching The Princess and the Frog.

This past weekend was the second weekend in my new apartment.

This past weekend we got our first pieces of commons-area furniture. Kitchen table and chairs (Thanks Mom!) I really like having that table. It's the only kitchen table I've ever known.

(2/9) This past Saturday my family spent more time driving to Maryland than actually being in Maryland. And I babysat for 3 hours, for $20.

(2/7) Thursday I left work at 3:30 because I was weak from food poisoning. I slept from 4-7:30pm after having already slept a 10-hour night.

(2/6) Wednesday I made chai tea with past-due milk. Food poisoning and dehydration!

(2/5) Tuesday Ella missed school because she was feeling ill.

(2/4) Monday...sore as all get out from moving all weekend.

(2/3) Sunday: Clean old apartment almost single-handedly (Thanks LUL training!). Move more of roommate's stuff to new apartment. Turn over keys. Grocery shopping, cooking, Super Bowl party. Newest roommate and pastor's wife talk during almost entire game, including commercials.

(2/2) Saturday: Take Lily to vet for vaccine update. Meet with Leasing Office of new place. Run all over town 298347 times to track down paperwork and obscene amounts of cash money. Back to Leasing Office. Sign lease. Begin move-in. My stuff=1.25 carloads for EVERYTHING. Started moving about 7pm...stopped just before 1am.

(2/1) Friday: Panic mode about suddenness of move. Extreme disappointment/shock upon being denied acceptance in American University.

(1/31) Thursday: Tour potential new apartment.

(1/30) Wednesday: Decide to move, for certain.

(1/29 and preceding): Find out landlord isn't legal landlord. Talk to real landlord who is nice at first and business at second. Wants to keep rent same or increase even though former "landlord" was making $200/month off us.

If that's not sitcom or sitama material, what is?

#17. Frugality and Consumerism.

I want so many things. 

Material things and intangibles.

Specifically, I want cute waterproof warm and cheap boots. I want new running shoes and thermal leggings and gloves. I want pretty dresses and a container to put my coffee into. 

I want to go to  either Wimbledon or the French Open. I want to travel. I want to take dance lessons and voice lessons and tennis lessons. I want to try different restaurants and foods and try more recipes at home. 

I want to meet people who are willing to hang out and do really cheap things that are really fun. I want to be back in school and I want school to be free. I want to be able to do a really expensive thing every now and again. I want to be debt free.

I want to choose my own furniture and dishes.

I've been nearly convulsing under the pressure to spend money. It's not that I don't have a little bit of extra right now, because I do, and I do need boots for walking in the winter. I will need a dress that's beautiful but also practical enough to direct a wedding in. I can go to a restaurant about every other week if I want. 

But I can't. I am unable to justify any purchase sufficiently. I really hate it. I've been shopping a couple times, once with my newest roommate Carla, and found things that I either need now or will need and for decent prices but can't bring myself to buy anything. 

Contra dancing costs money, I understand that. I will probably not be able to afford $40 monthly for dancing. (It was so cold with a little snow on the ground, that only about 50 people were there Friday. Girls were in short supply, so I had each dance lined up ahead of time. That was an incredible and new feeling. Just fyi.)

I don't know how to get out of the choke hold frugality has on my mind right now.

That's all. Sorry this isn't exciting but it's the prevailing tide at the moment.

#16. Plotless.

The shine is wearing off the ring I got in Charleston to replace the shell ring Grace gave me that broke.

The cold is coming back with a vengeance this week. Tuesday's high temperature is 25º. Not okay. It's much more difficult to be happy, go running, and be happy when it's cold outside.

I spent the past two days pretty much doing whatever I wanted to do. I ran 2miles Friday before work and went contra dancing Friday after work. What up, jello-for-legs? Saturday I didn't bother setting an alarm. Woke up, ate, walked Lily a bit, went to PetSmart with her, came back and didn't leave again. This morning it was my intention to go to church. I woke up and decided not to because Sunday Morning church still makes my stomach turn a little and I'm having trouble connecting on an emotional level. I feel so distant from and different than everyone. And I know the conversation is one-day-soon-coming about how I'd really like to NOT talk about the sermon outline in Thursday night LIFE groups. And I'm a lazy, chicken-hearted woman some days. 

I ran 3.14miles instead. Lily got bored and tired and I got tired. Spent the rest of the day watching football with Betty and Michael.

I missed Mi Casa a lot this week.

I have to work tomorrow.

I realized that I have no feasible plan for the just-in-case of not getting into or not being able to pay for grad school. 

My mind wants to shut down completely and yet remain active. I am getting bored with my life. Contra has saved my sanity these past couple of weeks. It's difficult to go alone because of the in-between dance times, but perhaps I can find a group of friends there. Fortunately, I do end up being asked for a dance by at least one young man each time. Mostly middle-age or older though. 

This week it was a more-pleasantly-handsome-Daniel-Radcliffe look-alike. First time dancer, likes acting, from Frederick, came because of friends. That's all I know. 
(Well, I also know that this makes me sound silly. Hey, I'm single and not blind and sometimes it's just fun to meet nice people and talk and dance.)

Evidently this was a week necessitating loads of dashes-between-words.

#15. Today.

Today.

First day of the Australian Open (tennis, for those who don't follow.)

First day I've run 2 miles since November.

First day I realized I'm starting to feel good about myself again. 

It took me awhile. I knew I was eating out of my winter depression. I knew I wasn't being active enough and the cold shocked me into hibernation in a number of ways (literal sleep, spiritual sleep, mental sleep). Then my clothes got tight. Then I started getting disgusted with myself.

Then I woke up. I don't know if it was the frugality or the vanity in me not wanting to have to buy new clothes or the reality hitting me that I can't let something so external, so temporal as weather determine my lifestyle. 

I've realized how selfish and cowardly I've been. I've often made myself a victim in my own eyes.

So now I've set rules for activity and rewards. I'm keeping track of it. I'm going to make a point to do something frivolous about once a week. 

This week, I spent $10 to go contra dancing Friday night. Oh my word, it was a fantastic amount of fun and I'm pretty good at it! I even missed the lesson because I got lost driving there (of course). They gave me a pass to come in another time for free, so guess where I'll be next Friday night...which also functions to allow TWO frivolous things next week. I haven't decided what that will be yet. 

I finished an art project today but I need something to hang it on a tile wall with.

My Chaco tan is fading, and Ella's speech therapist always calls them Teva's which is annoying only because it's incorrect. I do own Teva's as well, but they are different and, for my feet, have different purposes. 

Today. I feel the culmination of the past few better days.

If anyone wants to join me in running/walking this, please let me know. Registration opens in a couple days and it'll be cheaper by $10 I think if we form a team.

#14. Parking.

It finally happened. The main office noticed that I've been calling in as a guest parker for the past 2 months. I knew the day would come, but I was hoping against hope it wouldn't. 

Now, instead of free parking, I'll be paying enough to buy the month's groceries to park my car and walking 0.3 miles to my apartment. That is, unless some kind soul in my apartment complex will agree to lend me their space for a gracious lesser amount. 

On a lighter note, today was Ella's birthday. Ten years old! She was so happy and smiley and beautiful. We made cupcakes yesterday for her to take to her classmates (all 8 of them. 24 cupcakes. 8 children. So glad I'm not that teacher.) She decorated them all by herself, which is a significant accomplishment when you consider her one-handedness and how lovely and neat they turned out. Everyone was impressed and Ella was glowing with pride, the kind that's okay. The kind that says growth.

I might be hooked (just slightly so) on, no not phonics, but couponing. I saved $24 at the grocery store yesterday. I might have to get creative with storage because sometimes buying more is cheaper than buying as I need it, but that's worth it since with the new tax stuff I'm losing $36 a month. 

New neighbors are moving in across the hall, one flight down. I met one of them, Sharon. I think we'll be friends, or friendly at the least. I had a full-on, honest-to-goodness conversation with her in the hall today and I just met her. I like her and she understands my Southern dog switching to Northern dog mode. Lily has become skittish of people. I hate that.

I'm trying to run again. I'm scared of getting hurt. Caution is the name of the game here since I have no financial safety net whatsoever if doctor bills become necessary. But I still very much want to run a half-marathon. I just want to. 

Also: Christmas was fantastic. I worked New Year's and spent it trying not to mope about working and not being in Travelers Rest with my dear friends whom I miss terribly. I haven't heard anything from AU yet and the GWU application is due in 5 days. I don't want to finish it. I don't feel good about it, not the "getting in" part but the "want to go there" part. I only want to go to American. Only.