I felt (and still do feel) stuck in my job. Stuck in Maryland. Trapped under the thumb of money and capitalism and too-many-people-vying-for-the-same-things-as-me.
Feeling stuck often leaves me feeling apathetic. Screw it all and everyone along with it, I say. So I guess it's less apathetic and more bitter at first. But then I decide that sleeping forever or fading into a nonthing would be better than applying to underpaying, undesired jobs anyway.
It's easier to not care, to not feel. Feeling hurts a lot and a lot of the time, it seems.
But then I went running. On my return trip, I started feeling more awake. Yes, I can apply to those jobs even if they're only better in that they're different than my now, I say. Yes, I will apply to Johns Hopkins even though I probably can't afford it if I do get accepted, I say.
Sometimes chemicals are nice.
I haven't written here in so long because I couldn't stand the thought of being pissy about my life in front of y'all. I only want to get moving, to start doing what I am made to do, being who I am made to be.
I know. "Bloom where you are planted." Good grief though. There are so many weeds right now, and not the pretty kind.
I'm still feeling the itch to escape. To run into the waiting arms of the genial South, whose negatives I know like my own but whose positives I want as my own.
I need space. Unadulterated bigness. I need to be able to choose whether or not to see humans and luxury cars today. Honestly I don't know that moving southward would provide that but it sure feels more likely than not.
Anyway. Lily turned two! Look how tiny she was when she was tiny!
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| She was about 3 months old here. |
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