#26. Nothing, really.

It's been, what, three or four days since my last post?

Loads of earth-shattering occurrences have occurred. 

Not really.

Well, I did ride a ferry for the first time ever today. That counts, right? I even drove my car onto it. 

The job search is on and poppin'. I've sent out somewhere around 7 emails containing resumés and cover letters and pleas for employment. But I'd be lying to you if I said I felt hopeful about any of them in particular. 

I'm entering that phase (again) where I forget how much I love talking with kids and playing with them and having the opportunity to make wise decisions affecting them. I forget that my ideas are valid and more than that, good.

I remember camp life like it's a different reality. In some ways it was (is.) I don't think I want it back. I want the freedom, passion, and challenge of it back. I want those people geographically near me again, even though I think this time of separation is necessary. I have learned about who I am apart from the predetermined definitions of Stacy that come along with first, second, third, and fourth summers at Look Up.

I now know that I am, in truth, myself. Who I became in the context of my past is who I sincerely am. No pretext, no façade.

I do not try to hide how insecure and weak I feel most days. It just takes some insight for others to be able to see it because I don't put it on display either. [I still wrestle constantly with the thought that I am nothing special, that I am ordinary in the most plain sense, and that those who see me don't truly see me. Once they do, they'll leave and move on to other (prettier/smarter/funnier/more spontaneous/prettier) people.]

Imagine how that fear winds itself in seemingly indestructible ways throughout my relationship with Jim. It's a fight, a real fight, for me to believe him and to believe the sincerity, honesty, and integrity of his actions and words. I absolutely hate that. He doesn't deserve my selfish doubt. 

We went hiking today. It was lovely and good.