#13. Dog Days.

My dog, Lily, is one of the doggiest dogs I've ever known.

{Mud? Loves to roll in it.
Cat Poo? Loves to eat it.
Tug-of-war? No one wins but her.
Tennis balls, rope toys, rawhides all have a very short lifespan in this household. 
She WILL take up the entire bed.
The adorable head-tilt has long been mastered.
In early morning and late evening her tail is her worst enemy.}

Except when it comes to rain. She abhors it. She cowers near my legs thinking that'll shield her from the death-drops. 

That's the end of that. You needed to know about my dog.

Tonight was the second time I went to LIFE group. Turns out it was David-Vivian-Stacy group. David is the pastor and Vivian, his wife. Fortunately, although they are expecting their third child, they are not a frustratingly couple-y couple. I like them a lot, separately and together. 

They are starting to know me and that's exciting. They don't get me just yet, but I know that takes time. I'm not a quantifiable entity. I'm not the norm. 

The Kids have been weirdly quiet this week, even more so than usual, so I've been spending a good bit of time finding random things to clean. Which means that the next day is also spent finding things to clean because I did most of today's work yesterday. The good news is that the Mom understands and let me leave half an hour early today. 

My transcript never reached American University so I've been moved to the next tier of consideration. That's a small but significant setback and I'm mad about it. I ordered my transcript more than a month ago. Liberty is going to send it again at no charge, but that's not the point. I will be considered at the top of this tier, but lower than the one I was aiming for. Hopefully this doesn't change the outcome of my application. 

I work tomorrow, then drive home and STAY for an entire week. The Family is going to St. Maarten. Yay! I am sad that I have to go back to work just in time for New Year's Eve and Day and will miss out on the festivities with the Look Up family for the first time since I started working there. I knew this day was coming but I didn't expect it just yet. 

#12. The Amazing Race.

The finale of season 21 of The Amazing Race was tonight. My favorite team won. Yay for justice and the good guys winning. Go live on your goat farm, guys.

I've always wanted to travel, to see the world and meet people from different cultures. What better way to do it for free and embrace my competitiveness at the same time. 

Who wants in?

I'm pretty serious about applying for the show if I don't get into an MBA program. Why not? It's not really upsetting my life at this point since it's all topsy-turvy anyhow. And I've been wanting an excuse to refresh my French and learn another random language like Dutch or something. 

I need a viable partner. I have my ideas, but we'll see how God really has written this life out for me. I may have to settle for living the life I actually want to live. Crazy.

You may want to sit down for this next part: I went to a church this morning. I absolutely loved it. The whole deal is only about 2 years old and very small, as in there were less-than-or-equal-to 20 people there (and that's everyone.) The music is real and kind of awful. The teaching is honest, well-thought-out, and concise. The people kind and welcoming. I just met them today and got 4 hugs on the way out the door after spending an hour after service talking with them. They have Thursday night LIFE group (Love In FEllowship) and they serve their community regularly. Lots of young families, if lots can describe such a small group. They meet in an elementary school only a mile away, totally walking distance for me.

Yay. I'm actually excited about this. 

Ella and I talked for about 20 minutes in the car on Friday (Thursday? I don't remember) about how her lifestyle is not the norm. I explained middle-class, in-the-country, small-town life to her. I introduced her to the idea of climbing trees and chasing chickens and community college and houses with only one bathroom which an entire family shares and is cleaned by the people who live there and dirty it. I introduced her to the idea of not feeling the need to make a lot of money. The idea that for some is contentment and for some complacency and for some fear.

She was honestly curious and bewildered. And she understood. Best conversation to date.

Max and I worked on a 3D puzzle of NYC. He has been there several times, so I asked him to tell me about it. He told me about it for an hour. I love talking with him. So far we've had conversations about NYC, mythical creatures, video games, and cooking.

the Mom and Kids presented me with a thank-you/Hannukah/Christmas card Friday evening before I left. She told me there was cash in it as a gift. I was expecting $50-$100 or so, you know, a semi-reasonable amount. 

No.

I'm so glad I chose to open it later in my car. I found $500 in that heavy card. 

All I could do was laugh.

Saturday morning I had my car re-repaired up to Maryland specs and had $30 left over of that money. Praise the Lord for the Family. Such a blessing.

This was a good weekend. Next weekend I travel home [again...woo (read: boo) driving!] for the annual big-extended-family-everybody Christmas party.

#11. Hours and Ours.

I cried for an hour today. Loudly. In my car and at work. 

Fortunately for me the Dad is in Israel and the Mom was working at her office and the Kids were at school.

My car failed Maryland's state inspection for the second time today, after repairs were supposed to have it meet specifications.

I was/am also grieving what might have been lost. 

Being in a new place is hard. 

I'm tired of cleaning other peoples' toilets. 

I burst out into a new phase of tears when I saw the disaster area that was the kitchen I had left clean not 18 hours ago.

I'm tired of following other peoples' instructions for child-rearing and child-developing.

I like my job, I do. I just wish the kids were taught personal responsibility for messes and the parents a bit more humble concerning their home.

I really shouldn't be complaining. But this is not what I was made for and I know that even more surely. 

I am built for decision-making, charge-taking, and growth-enabling. I was even told this weekend that should I choose to do so I'd make a great event director because I'm calm and collected but I take control when it's needed. 

I needed this weekend in the South more than I knew. I needed hannaH, Laura, Sydney, Erin, Lauren, Chris, Ben, Travis, Matt, Lindsey, and Andrew. I really needed them. Particularly hannaH and Laura. 

Tonight the Mom invited me to come to dinner at The Melting Pot with them. I did. It was a little awkward because I'm obviously not part of the family with my light-brown/blonde hair and non-Jewish features. It was good though. I had to try to explain to her what God telling me to do something meant. More difficult than I would have thought. We were talking about Liberty and how I didn't originally want to go there. 

More practical updates:

-Spending money on repairs means my chance at a new car in the spring is shot to Hades.

-I'm going to look for a morning-time job to supplement my current income to pay off my student loans ASAP.

-Tomorrow is the first round deadline for AU's MBA LKJSOIE. The last 7 letters aren't relevant to anything. There were so many other capital letters that I couldn't help it.

-Saturday I dump $500 more into my car.

-Sunday I'm going to a church whether I like it or not.

-I feel like I might cry some more in the coming days. Guess who loves that...

-I know this is a season called the worst season called winter and called transition. 

#10. Missed.

I missed my Sunday post. I know. I'm sorry. It was a holiday weekend, okay! (read in this accent: Dave Barnes is a funny man) I was home with mom and brother. It was great.

I got to see 3 out of my 4 cousins (we missed you, Michael! Although you would have added to the tallness which surrounded me this year...gracious these kids is agrowin' up.)

I got to play partial-hostess because the family thing was at our house this year. I love hosting. Lots. I'm in my element when I have control, even just a little. I like having jobs to do while talking with people. Better conversations and all.

I got to watch my dog love how my brother is strong enough to throw her around and wrestle. I got to watch my dog be tired enough to not know what she's doing and end up chewing her own leg. Hilarious.

I ate. Waaaay too much. 

I got to see the maturity of my 13-year-old cousin who kept playing a game with me even though he obviously didn't like/wasn't good at it.

I got to revel in the affections of two 7-year-olds who barely know me but for some reason absolutely adore me and personally invited me to sit at the kids' table with them.

I got to viciously defeat my brother repeatedly in games of ERS.

I got a headache on Sunday night which, in conjunction with the always interesting 60 Minutes television show, prevented me from driving back to Maryland that night. I left at 7am Monday morning to get here before work.

I'm driving back home Thursday night. Friday morning I will leave for Travelers Rest, SC because Erin and Landon is gettin' merried and I'm a bridesmaid and I love them. Nine hours one-way of driving is a lot of love...If not for the need to drop off my dog at my mom's I'd probably fly down and back. Probably not cost-effective, but geez, 18 hours is so much time.

Anyway. That's my week so far, and last week kinda. 

My 3 Spoons friends...who is working Friday early afternoon? I might...stop by? I still haven't mailed that book to you Carissa...sorry!

#9. Rationalize.

I'll be honest with you. This is not what I want to be doing right now. I promised I would so I am but I don't want to.

I want to sleep. I feel a lot like vomiting because I was boredom-eating today. I have a headache. I'm too warm with a long sleeve t-shirt on and chilly without it. 

I'm cranky. Frustrated. Tired. A fantastic combination.

Yesterday however, yesterday was great. I went to Fredericksburg, VA for the afternoon and evening for a dear friend's birthday events. 

Today, not so much. Especially after it started getting dark.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and mostly about how I'm awesome at explaining things away. I make excuses all the time and my excuses mostly sound like explanations because I usually admit some sort of fault, however indirectly I may phrase it. I'm skilled at pulling from different fields and sources and what-have-you in order to make my explanation legitimate and legitimately beyond my control. 

This is not okay. Sometimes my explanations are wholly true and sometimes I just need to shut up and say, "Hey, I was (lazy, foolish, uncaring, inattentive, cruel, spiteful, etc)." and leave it there. 

Sometimes even if I have a wholly true explanations I just need to take the blame due me. 

This, I think, is why the majority of the people I know don't call me out on my foolishness or stubbornness or plain stupidity. A blessed few do, but they are indeed few. And that's what I yearn for, to be challenged to grow. It's been my escape in the past to help others and be the "counselor-friend," to hide behind the curtain of wise advice and active listening.

Not that I'm not good at that. I do have that gift and that training and that practice.

But there's a lot of shit in my heart and mind that's going to hit the fan eventually if someone doesn't tell me where it is and tell me to clean it the hell up. 

I'm passionate about this, obviously. I'm passionate about real friendship and real honesty and real hurt and real healing. I'm tired of superficial happy or content. I'm tired of entire conversations that lack substance and heart. 

About 2 months ago I was told by one of those blessed few that I could do better. 

And even though it hurts so deeply to admit it, I'm starting to believe her.

#8. Sunday already.

This week flew by me. 

I don't think I was particularly busy during the week. Just my normal work schedule, adjusting my AU application, knitting that blanket...

Max didn't have school Monday or Tuesday because of the election. Monday was fine, I watched and questioned him about the video games he played throughout the day. Tuesday, he started getting bored and antsy. 

Wednesday the parents were in DC for most of the day for a post-election forum the Mom had assembled, discussing what effect it would have on healthcare particularly for the elderly, special needs, and Alzheimer's patients. 

Thursday. Ella had a half-day at school. She was VERY excited about that. We played a lot of the afternoon.

Friday Ella didn't have school at all because there were parent-teacher conferences. I attended hers along with the Mom. This meant I started work at 8am and left at 2pm. 

So nice. I still wish I had the normal 8-4ish kind of hours. It's great to have some of the afternoon left when you get home. 

Friday I managed to finally get my dog registered with the city so I can take her to the dog park. I tried to find official parking at my apartment complex. No luck. Now I'm checking into lots around town which could translate into me walking about a mile to get to my car.

Good thing I like walking.

Saturday!! Was great!! Trekked into DC again to meet up with Alena (friends since 6th grade) and two of her roommates for lunch and the Newseum. Yes, a museum of the news.

Alena's the one in the pink. I like her.

Lunch was delectable and French with good coffee. The Newseum was fascinating and heart-rending. A section of the Berlin Wall (it's easy to tell which side faced East and which West). Pulitzer Prize photographs of the despicable side of humanity and an entire lasting exhibit about September 11th. I had never seen some of the newsreels they had playing and I'm glad I didn't see them until now. As a 7th grader? No way could I have handled that.

I love museums. I love history. I love living so near a place chock full of both.

#7. America.

I live in America and odds are, you do too.

Yesterday was my first time taking the Metro by myself, and by myself to the city. But before that, this.

In the morning I attended an open house for the Kogod School of Business at American University. It's my first choice school and I was nervous and excited and intimidated. I'm sure, so sure, that I stuck out pretty significantly with my colors in a room of grey, black, and neutrals and with my slight (sometimes not-so-slight) accent in a room of accents of another variety.

I looked into the full-time MBA program, met current students of the program and recent grads, and met a few of those who may be my classmates. Loved the professors, loved the current students, and most of the prospective students. Three in particular would become my friends fairly quickly. The campus is just a few stops away from where I live and there is a bus service that takes you the extra mile between the metro and campus if you don't feel like walking. I usually feel like walking.

At the end of the official gathering time, I happened to be standing near the director of the Kogod Career Center so I started talking with him in no small part because his name is Jacques Dommage. I love French.

I could see in his face after explaining my academic and professional background that he was confused about why I'd pursue a business degree. I told him about my dream and passion, which seemed to rapidly clear the confusion. He suggested that I look into getting a M.S. of Organizational Development. I didn't like that idea at first because I'm prideful and thought I had my life together and I wanted the prestige of an MBA.

Last night I looked into that program and it sounds magnificent! I would still like to know more about the numbers side of things but maybe some elective classes? The MSOD deals more particularly with team structure in a business model and how to be a change agent, a CATALYST!!! Does that sound familiar to anyone else?!?!

I don't like that the program is not as competitive (only require GRE scores for scholarship reasons) and that the deadlines seem a bit ambiguous. I don't like that it's technically a residential program but we only meet two weekENDS a month. The good news is that it's cheaper and I'll spend less on travel.

Back to the metro: I stepped above ground at the Smithsonian station and couldn't breathe I was so astounded by the immense buildings and the instantaneous clash of history and present. If it weren't so cold and blustery I would've walked around for hours and hours. As it were, Sonia, Lori, and I (friends since 8th grade) met for food and coffee and only got to browse half of the Museum of Natural History before it shut down and outside was frigid.

I love that city.