#9. Rationalize.

I'll be honest with you. This is not what I want to be doing right now. I promised I would so I am but I don't want to.

I want to sleep. I feel a lot like vomiting because I was boredom-eating today. I have a headache. I'm too warm with a long sleeve t-shirt on and chilly without it. 

I'm cranky. Frustrated. Tired. A fantastic combination.

Yesterday however, yesterday was great. I went to Fredericksburg, VA for the afternoon and evening for a dear friend's birthday events. 

Today, not so much. Especially after it started getting dark.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and mostly about how I'm awesome at explaining things away. I make excuses all the time and my excuses mostly sound like explanations because I usually admit some sort of fault, however indirectly I may phrase it. I'm skilled at pulling from different fields and sources and what-have-you in order to make my explanation legitimate and legitimately beyond my control. 

This is not okay. Sometimes my explanations are wholly true and sometimes I just need to shut up and say, "Hey, I was (lazy, foolish, uncaring, inattentive, cruel, spiteful, etc)." and leave it there. 

Sometimes even if I have a wholly true explanations I just need to take the blame due me. 

This, I think, is why the majority of the people I know don't call me out on my foolishness or stubbornness or plain stupidity. A blessed few do, but they are indeed few. And that's what I yearn for, to be challenged to grow. It's been my escape in the past to help others and be the "counselor-friend," to hide behind the curtain of wise advice and active listening.

Not that I'm not good at that. I do have that gift and that training and that practice.

But there's a lot of shit in my heart and mind that's going to hit the fan eventually if someone doesn't tell me where it is and tell me to clean it the hell up. 

I'm passionate about this, obviously. I'm passionate about real friendship and real honesty and real hurt and real healing. I'm tired of superficial happy or content. I'm tired of entire conversations that lack substance and heart. 

About 2 months ago I was told by one of those blessed few that I could do better. 

And even though it hurts so deeply to admit it, I'm starting to believe her.