#17. Frugality and Consumerism.

I want so many things. 

Material things and intangibles.

Specifically, I want cute waterproof warm and cheap boots. I want new running shoes and thermal leggings and gloves. I want pretty dresses and a container to put my coffee into. 

I want to go to  either Wimbledon or the French Open. I want to travel. I want to take dance lessons and voice lessons and tennis lessons. I want to try different restaurants and foods and try more recipes at home. 

I want to meet people who are willing to hang out and do really cheap things that are really fun. I want to be back in school and I want school to be free. I want to be able to do a really expensive thing every now and again. I want to be debt free.

I want to choose my own furniture and dishes.

I've been nearly convulsing under the pressure to spend money. It's not that I don't have a little bit of extra right now, because I do, and I do need boots for walking in the winter. I will need a dress that's beautiful but also practical enough to direct a wedding in. I can go to a restaurant about every other week if I want. 

But I can't. I am unable to justify any purchase sufficiently. I really hate it. I've been shopping a couple times, once with my newest roommate Carla, and found things that I either need now or will need and for decent prices but can't bring myself to buy anything. 

Contra dancing costs money, I understand that. I will probably not be able to afford $40 monthly for dancing. (It was so cold with a little snow on the ground, that only about 50 people were there Friday. Girls were in short supply, so I had each dance lined up ahead of time. That was an incredible and new feeling. Just fyi.)

I don't know how to get out of the choke hold frugality has on my mind right now.

That's all. Sorry this isn't exciting but it's the prevailing tide at the moment.

#16. Plotless.

The shine is wearing off the ring I got in Charleston to replace the shell ring Grace gave me that broke.

The cold is coming back with a vengeance this week. Tuesday's high temperature is 25º. Not okay. It's much more difficult to be happy, go running, and be happy when it's cold outside.

I spent the past two days pretty much doing whatever I wanted to do. I ran 2miles Friday before work and went contra dancing Friday after work. What up, jello-for-legs? Saturday I didn't bother setting an alarm. Woke up, ate, walked Lily a bit, went to PetSmart with her, came back and didn't leave again. This morning it was my intention to go to church. I woke up and decided not to because Sunday Morning church still makes my stomach turn a little and I'm having trouble connecting on an emotional level. I feel so distant from and different than everyone. And I know the conversation is one-day-soon-coming about how I'd really like to NOT talk about the sermon outline in Thursday night LIFE groups. And I'm a lazy, chicken-hearted woman some days. 

I ran 3.14miles instead. Lily got bored and tired and I got tired. Spent the rest of the day watching football with Betty and Michael.

I missed Mi Casa a lot this week.

I have to work tomorrow.

I realized that I have no feasible plan for the just-in-case of not getting into or not being able to pay for grad school. 

My mind wants to shut down completely and yet remain active. I am getting bored with my life. Contra has saved my sanity these past couple of weeks. It's difficult to go alone because of the in-between dance times, but perhaps I can find a group of friends there. Fortunately, I do end up being asked for a dance by at least one young man each time. Mostly middle-age or older though. 

This week it was a more-pleasantly-handsome-Daniel-Radcliffe look-alike. First time dancer, likes acting, from Frederick, came because of friends. That's all I know. 
(Well, I also know that this makes me sound silly. Hey, I'm single and not blind and sometimes it's just fun to meet nice people and talk and dance.)

Evidently this was a week necessitating loads of dashes-between-words.

#15. Today.

Today.

First day of the Australian Open (tennis, for those who don't follow.)

First day I've run 2 miles since November.

First day I realized I'm starting to feel good about myself again. 

It took me awhile. I knew I was eating out of my winter depression. I knew I wasn't being active enough and the cold shocked me into hibernation in a number of ways (literal sleep, spiritual sleep, mental sleep). Then my clothes got tight. Then I started getting disgusted with myself.

Then I woke up. I don't know if it was the frugality or the vanity in me not wanting to have to buy new clothes or the reality hitting me that I can't let something so external, so temporal as weather determine my lifestyle. 

I've realized how selfish and cowardly I've been. I've often made myself a victim in my own eyes.

So now I've set rules for activity and rewards. I'm keeping track of it. I'm going to make a point to do something frivolous about once a week. 

This week, I spent $10 to go contra dancing Friday night. Oh my word, it was a fantastic amount of fun and I'm pretty good at it! I even missed the lesson because I got lost driving there (of course). They gave me a pass to come in another time for free, so guess where I'll be next Friday night...which also functions to allow TWO frivolous things next week. I haven't decided what that will be yet. 

I finished an art project today but I need something to hang it on a tile wall with.

My Chaco tan is fading, and Ella's speech therapist always calls them Teva's which is annoying only because it's incorrect. I do own Teva's as well, but they are different and, for my feet, have different purposes. 

Today. I feel the culmination of the past few better days.

If anyone wants to join me in running/walking this, please let me know. Registration opens in a couple days and it'll be cheaper by $10 I think if we form a team.

#14. Parking.

It finally happened. The main office noticed that I've been calling in as a guest parker for the past 2 months. I knew the day would come, but I was hoping against hope it wouldn't. 

Now, instead of free parking, I'll be paying enough to buy the month's groceries to park my car and walking 0.3 miles to my apartment. That is, unless some kind soul in my apartment complex will agree to lend me their space for a gracious lesser amount. 

On a lighter note, today was Ella's birthday. Ten years old! She was so happy and smiley and beautiful. We made cupcakes yesterday for her to take to her classmates (all 8 of them. 24 cupcakes. 8 children. So glad I'm not that teacher.) She decorated them all by herself, which is a significant accomplishment when you consider her one-handedness and how lovely and neat they turned out. Everyone was impressed and Ella was glowing with pride, the kind that's okay. The kind that says growth.

I might be hooked (just slightly so) on, no not phonics, but couponing. I saved $24 at the grocery store yesterday. I might have to get creative with storage because sometimes buying more is cheaper than buying as I need it, but that's worth it since with the new tax stuff I'm losing $36 a month. 

New neighbors are moving in across the hall, one flight down. I met one of them, Sharon. I think we'll be friends, or friendly at the least. I had a full-on, honest-to-goodness conversation with her in the hall today and I just met her. I like her and she understands my Southern dog switching to Northern dog mode. Lily has become skittish of people. I hate that.

I'm trying to run again. I'm scared of getting hurt. Caution is the name of the game here since I have no financial safety net whatsoever if doctor bills become necessary. But I still very much want to run a half-marathon. I just want to. 

Also: Christmas was fantastic. I worked New Year's and spent it trying not to mope about working and not being in Travelers Rest with my dear friends whom I miss terribly. I haven't heard anything from AU yet and the GWU application is due in 5 days. I don't want to finish it. I don't feel good about it, not the "getting in" part but the "want to go there" part. I only want to go to American. Only. 

#13. Dog Days.

My dog, Lily, is one of the doggiest dogs I've ever known.

{Mud? Loves to roll in it.
Cat Poo? Loves to eat it.
Tug-of-war? No one wins but her.
Tennis balls, rope toys, rawhides all have a very short lifespan in this household. 
She WILL take up the entire bed.
The adorable head-tilt has long been mastered.
In early morning and late evening her tail is her worst enemy.}

Except when it comes to rain. She abhors it. She cowers near my legs thinking that'll shield her from the death-drops. 

That's the end of that. You needed to know about my dog.

Tonight was the second time I went to LIFE group. Turns out it was David-Vivian-Stacy group. David is the pastor and Vivian, his wife. Fortunately, although they are expecting their third child, they are not a frustratingly couple-y couple. I like them a lot, separately and together. 

They are starting to know me and that's exciting. They don't get me just yet, but I know that takes time. I'm not a quantifiable entity. I'm not the norm. 

The Kids have been weirdly quiet this week, even more so than usual, so I've been spending a good bit of time finding random things to clean. Which means that the next day is also spent finding things to clean because I did most of today's work yesterday. The good news is that the Mom understands and let me leave half an hour early today. 

My transcript never reached American University so I've been moved to the next tier of consideration. That's a small but significant setback and I'm mad about it. I ordered my transcript more than a month ago. Liberty is going to send it again at no charge, but that's not the point. I will be considered at the top of this tier, but lower than the one I was aiming for. Hopefully this doesn't change the outcome of my application. 

I work tomorrow, then drive home and STAY for an entire week. The Family is going to St. Maarten. Yay! I am sad that I have to go back to work just in time for New Year's Eve and Day and will miss out on the festivities with the Look Up family for the first time since I started working there. I knew this day was coming but I didn't expect it just yet. 

#12. The Amazing Race.

The finale of season 21 of The Amazing Race was tonight. My favorite team won. Yay for justice and the good guys winning. Go live on your goat farm, guys.

I've always wanted to travel, to see the world and meet people from different cultures. What better way to do it for free and embrace my competitiveness at the same time. 

Who wants in?

I'm pretty serious about applying for the show if I don't get into an MBA program. Why not? It's not really upsetting my life at this point since it's all topsy-turvy anyhow. And I've been wanting an excuse to refresh my French and learn another random language like Dutch or something. 

I need a viable partner. I have my ideas, but we'll see how God really has written this life out for me. I may have to settle for living the life I actually want to live. Crazy.

You may want to sit down for this next part: I went to a church this morning. I absolutely loved it. The whole deal is only about 2 years old and very small, as in there were less-than-or-equal-to 20 people there (and that's everyone.) The music is real and kind of awful. The teaching is honest, well-thought-out, and concise. The people kind and welcoming. I just met them today and got 4 hugs on the way out the door after spending an hour after service talking with them. They have Thursday night LIFE group (Love In FEllowship) and they serve their community regularly. Lots of young families, if lots can describe such a small group. They meet in an elementary school only a mile away, totally walking distance for me.

Yay. I'm actually excited about this. 

Ella and I talked for about 20 minutes in the car on Friday (Thursday? I don't remember) about how her lifestyle is not the norm. I explained middle-class, in-the-country, small-town life to her. I introduced her to the idea of climbing trees and chasing chickens and community college and houses with only one bathroom which an entire family shares and is cleaned by the people who live there and dirty it. I introduced her to the idea of not feeling the need to make a lot of money. The idea that for some is contentment and for some complacency and for some fear.

She was honestly curious and bewildered. And she understood. Best conversation to date.

Max and I worked on a 3D puzzle of NYC. He has been there several times, so I asked him to tell me about it. He told me about it for an hour. I love talking with him. So far we've had conversations about NYC, mythical creatures, video games, and cooking.

the Mom and Kids presented me with a thank-you/Hannukah/Christmas card Friday evening before I left. She told me there was cash in it as a gift. I was expecting $50-$100 or so, you know, a semi-reasonable amount. 

No.

I'm so glad I chose to open it later in my car. I found $500 in that heavy card. 

All I could do was laugh.

Saturday morning I had my car re-repaired up to Maryland specs and had $30 left over of that money. Praise the Lord for the Family. Such a blessing.

This was a good weekend. Next weekend I travel home [again...woo (read: boo) driving!] for the annual big-extended-family-everybody Christmas party.

#11. Hours and Ours.

I cried for an hour today. Loudly. In my car and at work. 

Fortunately for me the Dad is in Israel and the Mom was working at her office and the Kids were at school.

My car failed Maryland's state inspection for the second time today, after repairs were supposed to have it meet specifications.

I was/am also grieving what might have been lost. 

Being in a new place is hard. 

I'm tired of cleaning other peoples' toilets. 

I burst out into a new phase of tears when I saw the disaster area that was the kitchen I had left clean not 18 hours ago.

I'm tired of following other peoples' instructions for child-rearing and child-developing.

I like my job, I do. I just wish the kids were taught personal responsibility for messes and the parents a bit more humble concerning their home.

I really shouldn't be complaining. But this is not what I was made for and I know that even more surely. 

I am built for decision-making, charge-taking, and growth-enabling. I was even told this weekend that should I choose to do so I'd make a great event director because I'm calm and collected but I take control when it's needed. 

I needed this weekend in the South more than I knew. I needed hannaH, Laura, Sydney, Erin, Lauren, Chris, Ben, Travis, Matt, Lindsey, and Andrew. I really needed them. Particularly hannaH and Laura. 

Tonight the Mom invited me to come to dinner at The Melting Pot with them. I did. It was a little awkward because I'm obviously not part of the family with my light-brown/blonde hair and non-Jewish features. It was good though. I had to try to explain to her what God telling me to do something meant. More difficult than I would have thought. We were talking about Liberty and how I didn't originally want to go there. 

More practical updates:

-Spending money on repairs means my chance at a new car in the spring is shot to Hades.

-I'm going to look for a morning-time job to supplement my current income to pay off my student loans ASAP.

-Tomorrow is the first round deadline for AU's MBA LKJSOIE. The last 7 letters aren't relevant to anything. There were so many other capital letters that I couldn't help it.

-Saturday I dump $500 more into my car.

-Sunday I'm going to a church whether I like it or not.

-I feel like I might cry some more in the coming days. Guess who loves that...

-I know this is a season called the worst season called winter and called transition.