#21. Saints and Cereal.

In the spring and summer I always try to eat cereal for breakfast and it's never a good idea. My stomach really hates milk first thing in the morning. It's not intolerable but it's an uncomfortable amount of tightness.

It's sad because I really like cereal, particularly in the morning.

I avoid this problem in the chilly and cold months by eating oatmeal, but eating something hot first thing on a hot day isn't comfortable. But neither is paying $5 for 6 bagels.

During the course of my Wednesday evening conversation with Jim (contra guy) he said that he was a Christian. Hooray and Hallelujah! He's Catholic, so we've still got to talk about the course of salvation, the idea of saints, and the existence of purgatory, along with the general practice of faith issues before I can whole-heartedly celebrate the potential longevity of this relationship.

If he's not by-the-Catholic-book Catholic, he still has to pass the meet-my-Look-Up-family test. That might could happen in late April. Maybe.

Oh, and happy St. Patrick's day! I'm Irish! Woo! I ate corned beef and cabbage. I also had my first alcoholic beverage of 2013 (since the time changed last weekend I'm allowed to.) It was Woodchuck Hard Cider. So good, and so not seasonally appropriate. Oh well. I'll get some Bailey's after Easter, when I can have sweets again.

The kids were better this week. Well, Ella was. I played games (mostly Connect 4) with her all week. Max tries, and succeeds, to manipulate her pretty often and I can't figure out how to have Ella stand up for herself without causing a tantrum on Max's part. It's nearly useless to try teaching Max why it's bad to manipulate people. He doesn't care. He never speaks to her on her level. She's quite intelligent for her age. His tone is so condescending that it enrages me, no matter how oblivious Ella is to it.

I'm looking for another job. I decided that this week after coming in day after day to a destroyed kitchen and being asked to put new soap in the master bathroom's shower. I hate cleaning up after grown people. I hate being thought of as insignificant and unintelligent. I hate knowing that I am highly skilled with their children, that the kids enjoy playing with me, and that I'm still being paid the lowest wage in the range of salaries they were offering.

I need a job that uses all of my mind. Every time I spend a few hours with Jim I realize just how much of my higher functioning has been in a coma for the past couple of years. On Saturday we spent about 3 hours browsing around a bookstore. 3 hours. Just looking at and talking about books.

I think he'd pass the Look Up test just fine. He's really strange.

#20. New Things, Good and Bad.

It's Monday, not Sunday, and almost not-Monday-anymore.

Yesterday the time changed. Hallelujah. And the weather this weekend left nothing to be desired. Absolutely lovely. 

I've been out with the contra dance guy twice since my last post, aside from seeing/dancing with/talking to him on Fridays at contra.

He's kind and considerate and respectful and cautious and interesting and gentle and decisive and assertive and strong and adventurous and smarter than me. He's great and good and I like him. And he likes me.

This is a new thing, the good side of newness in my life. I've never had a good and decent man actually be interested enough in me to take action concerning his interest. I don't exactly know what I'm doing because I've never been in this place before, but I'm trying to listen to the Spirit (although He's been kinda quiet about it...)

Yesterday we+Lily hiked the Billy Goat trail which is about 4.5 miles round-trip. Let me tell you, it is aptly named and so fun. Then we ate some delicious Chipotle and saw Oz: The Great and Powerful. It was beautifully done and clever. We ended up getting free passes to see another movie later because they accidentally began showing the wrong film, causing our start time to be delayed about 30 minutes. Totally worth it.

I think my favorite things about him are 1) he really is smarter than I am and 2) he takes initiative, gently. The second is hard to explain unless you already know what I mean. I hope you know what I mean. 

The bad side of newness in my life is having to decide what the next step will be. I was not offered admission to George Washington either. Stupid work history. So now I have to decide:
Should I look for full-time employment right now?
Should I stay with this job even though I'd only be staying in order to keep my non-binding word to them of "until next fall"?
Should I apply to the MSOD program at American and hope to edge my way into the MBA?
Should I wait until next season to apply again, this time for Spring admission?

I really don't want to stay with the family for a lot longer. I hate the cleaning. I can deal with everything else honestly, but not the cleaning up after grown people. I have time before I have to decide everything and I have a few issues that are more pressing to consider first (Vehicle Emissions Test, getting taxes done, paying a long-overdue medical bill...) so I'm trying not to worry about it.

Happy almost Spring! Sunshine and warm hooray!

#19. The Rundown.

I have been neglecting this for some time now. 


I'm sorry. My only excuse is that I didn't want to write.


Here goes:

I've cheated 3 times on my Lent fast of sweets.

I'm still contra dancing most Friday nights. I just keep finding the money for it, literally finding $10 in a drawer or something. I think that magic has run out though.

I have contra dance friends now.

I have contra dance friends now because of a guy I danced with a few Fridays in a row, who then asked me to join him and his friends afterward at a diner.

A few days later I went out with him. We made plans for a second date either tomorrow or Tuesday. 

I'm extremely excited about the time change later this week.
And the season change later this month.
And the temperature change that will hopefully accompany it.

I had an emotional breakdown caused by frustration with my job and the lack of effective discipline and personal responsibility I see everyday. Then I was reminded that it's not my job to fix everything, only to do what I can and do it the best I can. 

I was also reminded that this is not for forever. 
And that's great and wonderful.

#18. Rapid Fire.

I'm almost able to breathe normally again. Almost.

I'm also more certain than ever that my life should be made into a sitcom, even though it might only survive on Bravo (SNL reference, anyone?). Here's a recap, in reverse order. Most recent events first.

Survivor comes back Wednesday.

Mardi Gras is tomorrow. Cooking cajun shrimp, cheese grits, and banana pudding. Watching The Princess and the Frog.

This past weekend was the second weekend in my new apartment.

This past weekend we got our first pieces of commons-area furniture. Kitchen table and chairs (Thanks Mom!) I really like having that table. It's the only kitchen table I've ever known.

(2/9) This past Saturday my family spent more time driving to Maryland than actually being in Maryland. And I babysat for 3 hours, for $20.

(2/7) Thursday I left work at 3:30 because I was weak from food poisoning. I slept from 4-7:30pm after having already slept a 10-hour night.

(2/6) Wednesday I made chai tea with past-due milk. Food poisoning and dehydration!

(2/5) Tuesday Ella missed school because she was feeling ill.

(2/4) Monday...sore as all get out from moving all weekend.

(2/3) Sunday: Clean old apartment almost single-handedly (Thanks LUL training!). Move more of roommate's stuff to new apartment. Turn over keys. Grocery shopping, cooking, Super Bowl party. Newest roommate and pastor's wife talk during almost entire game, including commercials.

(2/2) Saturday: Take Lily to vet for vaccine update. Meet with Leasing Office of new place. Run all over town 298347 times to track down paperwork and obscene amounts of cash money. Back to Leasing Office. Sign lease. Begin move-in. My stuff=1.25 carloads for EVERYTHING. Started moving about 7pm...stopped just before 1am.

(2/1) Friday: Panic mode about suddenness of move. Extreme disappointment/shock upon being denied acceptance in American University.

(1/31) Thursday: Tour potential new apartment.

(1/30) Wednesday: Decide to move, for certain.

(1/29 and preceding): Find out landlord isn't legal landlord. Talk to real landlord who is nice at first and business at second. Wants to keep rent same or increase even though former "landlord" was making $200/month off us.

If that's not sitcom or sitama material, what is?

#17. Frugality and Consumerism.

I want so many things. 

Material things and intangibles.

Specifically, I want cute waterproof warm and cheap boots. I want new running shoes and thermal leggings and gloves. I want pretty dresses and a container to put my coffee into. 

I want to go to  either Wimbledon or the French Open. I want to travel. I want to take dance lessons and voice lessons and tennis lessons. I want to try different restaurants and foods and try more recipes at home. 

I want to meet people who are willing to hang out and do really cheap things that are really fun. I want to be back in school and I want school to be free. I want to be able to do a really expensive thing every now and again. I want to be debt free.

I want to choose my own furniture and dishes.

I've been nearly convulsing under the pressure to spend money. It's not that I don't have a little bit of extra right now, because I do, and I do need boots for walking in the winter. I will need a dress that's beautiful but also practical enough to direct a wedding in. I can go to a restaurant about every other week if I want. 

But I can't. I am unable to justify any purchase sufficiently. I really hate it. I've been shopping a couple times, once with my newest roommate Carla, and found things that I either need now or will need and for decent prices but can't bring myself to buy anything. 

Contra dancing costs money, I understand that. I will probably not be able to afford $40 monthly for dancing. (It was so cold with a little snow on the ground, that only about 50 people were there Friday. Girls were in short supply, so I had each dance lined up ahead of time. That was an incredible and new feeling. Just fyi.)

I don't know how to get out of the choke hold frugality has on my mind right now.

That's all. Sorry this isn't exciting but it's the prevailing tide at the moment.

#16. Plotless.

The shine is wearing off the ring I got in Charleston to replace the shell ring Grace gave me that broke.

The cold is coming back with a vengeance this week. Tuesday's high temperature is 25º. Not okay. It's much more difficult to be happy, go running, and be happy when it's cold outside.

I spent the past two days pretty much doing whatever I wanted to do. I ran 2miles Friday before work and went contra dancing Friday after work. What up, jello-for-legs? Saturday I didn't bother setting an alarm. Woke up, ate, walked Lily a bit, went to PetSmart with her, came back and didn't leave again. This morning it was my intention to go to church. I woke up and decided not to because Sunday Morning church still makes my stomach turn a little and I'm having trouble connecting on an emotional level. I feel so distant from and different than everyone. And I know the conversation is one-day-soon-coming about how I'd really like to NOT talk about the sermon outline in Thursday night LIFE groups. And I'm a lazy, chicken-hearted woman some days. 

I ran 3.14miles instead. Lily got bored and tired and I got tired. Spent the rest of the day watching football with Betty and Michael.

I missed Mi Casa a lot this week.

I have to work tomorrow.

I realized that I have no feasible plan for the just-in-case of not getting into or not being able to pay for grad school. 

My mind wants to shut down completely and yet remain active. I am getting bored with my life. Contra has saved my sanity these past couple of weeks. It's difficult to go alone because of the in-between dance times, but perhaps I can find a group of friends there. Fortunately, I do end up being asked for a dance by at least one young man each time. Mostly middle-age or older though. 

This week it was a more-pleasantly-handsome-Daniel-Radcliffe look-alike. First time dancer, likes acting, from Frederick, came because of friends. That's all I know. 
(Well, I also know that this makes me sound silly. Hey, I'm single and not blind and sometimes it's just fun to meet nice people and talk and dance.)

Evidently this was a week necessitating loads of dashes-between-words.

#15. Today.

Today.

First day of the Australian Open (tennis, for those who don't follow.)

First day I've run 2 miles since November.

First day I realized I'm starting to feel good about myself again. 

It took me awhile. I knew I was eating out of my winter depression. I knew I wasn't being active enough and the cold shocked me into hibernation in a number of ways (literal sleep, spiritual sleep, mental sleep). Then my clothes got tight. Then I started getting disgusted with myself.

Then I woke up. I don't know if it was the frugality or the vanity in me not wanting to have to buy new clothes or the reality hitting me that I can't let something so external, so temporal as weather determine my lifestyle. 

I've realized how selfish and cowardly I've been. I've often made myself a victim in my own eyes.

So now I've set rules for activity and rewards. I'm keeping track of it. I'm going to make a point to do something frivolous about once a week. 

This week, I spent $10 to go contra dancing Friday night. Oh my word, it was a fantastic amount of fun and I'm pretty good at it! I even missed the lesson because I got lost driving there (of course). They gave me a pass to come in another time for free, so guess where I'll be next Friday night...which also functions to allow TWO frivolous things next week. I haven't decided what that will be yet. 

I finished an art project today but I need something to hang it on a tile wall with.

My Chaco tan is fading, and Ella's speech therapist always calls them Teva's which is annoying only because it's incorrect. I do own Teva's as well, but they are different and, for my feet, have different purposes. 

Today. I feel the culmination of the past few better days.

If anyone wants to join me in running/walking this, please let me know. Registration opens in a couple days and it'll be cheaper by $10 I think if we form a team.