#10. Missed.

I missed my Sunday post. I know. I'm sorry. It was a holiday weekend, okay! (read in this accent: Dave Barnes is a funny man) I was home with mom and brother. It was great.

I got to see 3 out of my 4 cousins (we missed you, Michael! Although you would have added to the tallness which surrounded me this year...gracious these kids is agrowin' up.)

I got to play partial-hostess because the family thing was at our house this year. I love hosting. Lots. I'm in my element when I have control, even just a little. I like having jobs to do while talking with people. Better conversations and all.

I got to watch my dog love how my brother is strong enough to throw her around and wrestle. I got to watch my dog be tired enough to not know what she's doing and end up chewing her own leg. Hilarious.

I ate. Waaaay too much. 

I got to see the maturity of my 13-year-old cousin who kept playing a game with me even though he obviously didn't like/wasn't good at it.

I got to revel in the affections of two 7-year-olds who barely know me but for some reason absolutely adore me and personally invited me to sit at the kids' table with them.

I got to viciously defeat my brother repeatedly in games of ERS.

I got a headache on Sunday night which, in conjunction with the always interesting 60 Minutes television show, prevented me from driving back to Maryland that night. I left at 7am Monday morning to get here before work.

I'm driving back home Thursday night. Friday morning I will leave for Travelers Rest, SC because Erin and Landon is gettin' merried and I'm a bridesmaid and I love them. Nine hours one-way of driving is a lot of love...If not for the need to drop off my dog at my mom's I'd probably fly down and back. Probably not cost-effective, but geez, 18 hours is so much time.

Anyway. That's my week so far, and last week kinda. 

My 3 Spoons friends...who is working Friday early afternoon? I might...stop by? I still haven't mailed that book to you Carissa...sorry!

#9. Rationalize.

I'll be honest with you. This is not what I want to be doing right now. I promised I would so I am but I don't want to.

I want to sleep. I feel a lot like vomiting because I was boredom-eating today. I have a headache. I'm too warm with a long sleeve t-shirt on and chilly without it. 

I'm cranky. Frustrated. Tired. A fantastic combination.

Yesterday however, yesterday was great. I went to Fredericksburg, VA for the afternoon and evening for a dear friend's birthday events. 

Today, not so much. Especially after it started getting dark.

I've been thinking a lot lately, and mostly about how I'm awesome at explaining things away. I make excuses all the time and my excuses mostly sound like explanations because I usually admit some sort of fault, however indirectly I may phrase it. I'm skilled at pulling from different fields and sources and what-have-you in order to make my explanation legitimate and legitimately beyond my control. 

This is not okay. Sometimes my explanations are wholly true and sometimes I just need to shut up and say, "Hey, I was (lazy, foolish, uncaring, inattentive, cruel, spiteful, etc)." and leave it there. 

Sometimes even if I have a wholly true explanations I just need to take the blame due me. 

This, I think, is why the majority of the people I know don't call me out on my foolishness or stubbornness or plain stupidity. A blessed few do, but they are indeed few. And that's what I yearn for, to be challenged to grow. It's been my escape in the past to help others and be the "counselor-friend," to hide behind the curtain of wise advice and active listening.

Not that I'm not good at that. I do have that gift and that training and that practice.

But there's a lot of shit in my heart and mind that's going to hit the fan eventually if someone doesn't tell me where it is and tell me to clean it the hell up. 

I'm passionate about this, obviously. I'm passionate about real friendship and real honesty and real hurt and real healing. I'm tired of superficial happy or content. I'm tired of entire conversations that lack substance and heart. 

About 2 months ago I was told by one of those blessed few that I could do better. 

And even though it hurts so deeply to admit it, I'm starting to believe her.

#8. Sunday already.

This week flew by me. 

I don't think I was particularly busy during the week. Just my normal work schedule, adjusting my AU application, knitting that blanket...

Max didn't have school Monday or Tuesday because of the election. Monday was fine, I watched and questioned him about the video games he played throughout the day. Tuesday, he started getting bored and antsy. 

Wednesday the parents were in DC for most of the day for a post-election forum the Mom had assembled, discussing what effect it would have on healthcare particularly for the elderly, special needs, and Alzheimer's patients. 

Thursday. Ella had a half-day at school. She was VERY excited about that. We played a lot of the afternoon.

Friday Ella didn't have school at all because there were parent-teacher conferences. I attended hers along with the Mom. This meant I started work at 8am and left at 2pm. 

So nice. I still wish I had the normal 8-4ish kind of hours. It's great to have some of the afternoon left when you get home. 

Friday I managed to finally get my dog registered with the city so I can take her to the dog park. I tried to find official parking at my apartment complex. No luck. Now I'm checking into lots around town which could translate into me walking about a mile to get to my car.

Good thing I like walking.

Saturday!! Was great!! Trekked into DC again to meet up with Alena (friends since 6th grade) and two of her roommates for lunch and the Newseum. Yes, a museum of the news.

Alena's the one in the pink. I like her.

Lunch was delectable and French with good coffee. The Newseum was fascinating and heart-rending. A section of the Berlin Wall (it's easy to tell which side faced East and which West). Pulitzer Prize photographs of the despicable side of humanity and an entire lasting exhibit about September 11th. I had never seen some of the newsreels they had playing and I'm glad I didn't see them until now. As a 7th grader? No way could I have handled that.

I love museums. I love history. I love living so near a place chock full of both.

#7. America.

I live in America and odds are, you do too.

Yesterday was my first time taking the Metro by myself, and by myself to the city. But before that, this.

In the morning I attended an open house for the Kogod School of Business at American University. It's my first choice school and I was nervous and excited and intimidated. I'm sure, so sure, that I stuck out pretty significantly with my colors in a room of grey, black, and neutrals and with my slight (sometimes not-so-slight) accent in a room of accents of another variety.

I looked into the full-time MBA program, met current students of the program and recent grads, and met a few of those who may be my classmates. Loved the professors, loved the current students, and most of the prospective students. Three in particular would become my friends fairly quickly. The campus is just a few stops away from where I live and there is a bus service that takes you the extra mile between the metro and campus if you don't feel like walking. I usually feel like walking.

At the end of the official gathering time, I happened to be standing near the director of the Kogod Career Center so I started talking with him in no small part because his name is Jacques Dommage. I love French.

I could see in his face after explaining my academic and professional background that he was confused about why I'd pursue a business degree. I told him about my dream and passion, which seemed to rapidly clear the confusion. He suggested that I look into getting a M.S. of Organizational Development. I didn't like that idea at first because I'm prideful and thought I had my life together and I wanted the prestige of an MBA.

Last night I looked into that program and it sounds magnificent! I would still like to know more about the numbers side of things but maybe some elective classes? The MSOD deals more particularly with team structure in a business model and how to be a change agent, a CATALYST!!! Does that sound familiar to anyone else?!?!

I don't like that the program is not as competitive (only require GRE scores for scholarship reasons) and that the deadlines seem a bit ambiguous. I don't like that it's technically a residential program but we only meet two weekENDS a month. The good news is that it's cheaper and I'll spend less on travel.

Back to the metro: I stepped above ground at the Smithsonian station and couldn't breathe I was so astounded by the immense buildings and the instantaneous clash of history and present. If it weren't so cold and blustery I would've walked around for hours and hours. As it were, Sonia, Lori, and I (friends since 8th grade) met for food and coffee and only got to browse half of the Museum of Natural History before it shut down and outside was frigid.

I love that city.