#17. Frugality and Consumerism.

I want so many things. 

Material things and intangibles.

Specifically, I want cute waterproof warm and cheap boots. I want new running shoes and thermal leggings and gloves. I want pretty dresses and a container to put my coffee into. 

I want to go to  either Wimbledon or the French Open. I want to travel. I want to take dance lessons and voice lessons and tennis lessons. I want to try different restaurants and foods and try more recipes at home. 

I want to meet people who are willing to hang out and do really cheap things that are really fun. I want to be back in school and I want school to be free. I want to be able to do a really expensive thing every now and again. I want to be debt free.

I want to choose my own furniture and dishes.

I've been nearly convulsing under the pressure to spend money. It's not that I don't have a little bit of extra right now, because I do, and I do need boots for walking in the winter. I will need a dress that's beautiful but also practical enough to direct a wedding in. I can go to a restaurant about every other week if I want. 

But I can't. I am unable to justify any purchase sufficiently. I really hate it. I've been shopping a couple times, once with my newest roommate Carla, and found things that I either need now or will need and for decent prices but can't bring myself to buy anything. 

Contra dancing costs money, I understand that. I will probably not be able to afford $40 monthly for dancing. (It was so cold with a little snow on the ground, that only about 50 people were there Friday. Girls were in short supply, so I had each dance lined up ahead of time. That was an incredible and new feeling. Just fyi.)

I don't know how to get out of the choke hold frugality has on my mind right now.

That's all. Sorry this isn't exciting but it's the prevailing tide at the moment.

#16. Plotless.

The shine is wearing off the ring I got in Charleston to replace the shell ring Grace gave me that broke.

The cold is coming back with a vengeance this week. Tuesday's high temperature is 25º. Not okay. It's much more difficult to be happy, go running, and be happy when it's cold outside.

I spent the past two days pretty much doing whatever I wanted to do. I ran 2miles Friday before work and went contra dancing Friday after work. What up, jello-for-legs? Saturday I didn't bother setting an alarm. Woke up, ate, walked Lily a bit, went to PetSmart with her, came back and didn't leave again. This morning it was my intention to go to church. I woke up and decided not to because Sunday Morning church still makes my stomach turn a little and I'm having trouble connecting on an emotional level. I feel so distant from and different than everyone. And I know the conversation is one-day-soon-coming about how I'd really like to NOT talk about the sermon outline in Thursday night LIFE groups. And I'm a lazy, chicken-hearted woman some days. 

I ran 3.14miles instead. Lily got bored and tired and I got tired. Spent the rest of the day watching football with Betty and Michael.

I missed Mi Casa a lot this week.

I have to work tomorrow.

I realized that I have no feasible plan for the just-in-case of not getting into or not being able to pay for grad school. 

My mind wants to shut down completely and yet remain active. I am getting bored with my life. Contra has saved my sanity these past couple of weeks. It's difficult to go alone because of the in-between dance times, but perhaps I can find a group of friends there. Fortunately, I do end up being asked for a dance by at least one young man each time. Mostly middle-age or older though. 

This week it was a more-pleasantly-handsome-Daniel-Radcliffe look-alike. First time dancer, likes acting, from Frederick, came because of friends. That's all I know. 
(Well, I also know that this makes me sound silly. Hey, I'm single and not blind and sometimes it's just fun to meet nice people and talk and dance.)

Evidently this was a week necessitating loads of dashes-between-words.

#15. Today.

Today.

First day of the Australian Open (tennis, for those who don't follow.)

First day I've run 2 miles since November.

First day I realized I'm starting to feel good about myself again. 

It took me awhile. I knew I was eating out of my winter depression. I knew I wasn't being active enough and the cold shocked me into hibernation in a number of ways (literal sleep, spiritual sleep, mental sleep). Then my clothes got tight. Then I started getting disgusted with myself.

Then I woke up. I don't know if it was the frugality or the vanity in me not wanting to have to buy new clothes or the reality hitting me that I can't let something so external, so temporal as weather determine my lifestyle. 

I've realized how selfish and cowardly I've been. I've often made myself a victim in my own eyes.

So now I've set rules for activity and rewards. I'm keeping track of it. I'm going to make a point to do something frivolous about once a week. 

This week, I spent $10 to go contra dancing Friday night. Oh my word, it was a fantastic amount of fun and I'm pretty good at it! I even missed the lesson because I got lost driving there (of course). They gave me a pass to come in another time for free, so guess where I'll be next Friday night...which also functions to allow TWO frivolous things next week. I haven't decided what that will be yet. 

I finished an art project today but I need something to hang it on a tile wall with.

My Chaco tan is fading, and Ella's speech therapist always calls them Teva's which is annoying only because it's incorrect. I do own Teva's as well, but they are different and, for my feet, have different purposes. 

Today. I feel the culmination of the past few better days.

If anyone wants to join me in running/walking this, please let me know. Registration opens in a couple days and it'll be cheaper by $10 I think if we form a team.

#14. Parking.

It finally happened. The main office noticed that I've been calling in as a guest parker for the past 2 months. I knew the day would come, but I was hoping against hope it wouldn't. 

Now, instead of free parking, I'll be paying enough to buy the month's groceries to park my car and walking 0.3 miles to my apartment. That is, unless some kind soul in my apartment complex will agree to lend me their space for a gracious lesser amount. 

On a lighter note, today was Ella's birthday. Ten years old! She was so happy and smiley and beautiful. We made cupcakes yesterday for her to take to her classmates (all 8 of them. 24 cupcakes. 8 children. So glad I'm not that teacher.) She decorated them all by herself, which is a significant accomplishment when you consider her one-handedness and how lovely and neat they turned out. Everyone was impressed and Ella was glowing with pride, the kind that's okay. The kind that says growth.

I might be hooked (just slightly so) on, no not phonics, but couponing. I saved $24 at the grocery store yesterday. I might have to get creative with storage because sometimes buying more is cheaper than buying as I need it, but that's worth it since with the new tax stuff I'm losing $36 a month. 

New neighbors are moving in across the hall, one flight down. I met one of them, Sharon. I think we'll be friends, or friendly at the least. I had a full-on, honest-to-goodness conversation with her in the hall today and I just met her. I like her and she understands my Southern dog switching to Northern dog mode. Lily has become skittish of people. I hate that.

I'm trying to run again. I'm scared of getting hurt. Caution is the name of the game here since I have no financial safety net whatsoever if doctor bills become necessary. But I still very much want to run a half-marathon. I just want to. 

Also: Christmas was fantastic. I worked New Year's and spent it trying not to mope about working and not being in Travelers Rest with my dear friends whom I miss terribly. I haven't heard anything from AU yet and the GWU application is due in 5 days. I don't want to finish it. I don't feel good about it, not the "getting in" part but the "want to go there" part. I only want to go to American. Only.